Kindness As A Catalyst For Change

How Can I Be Kinder to Myself?

I've been listening to Dr. Kristen Neff for the past three hours, participating in a course on self-compassion because I know I should be kinder to myself.

The truth is, I've been driving myself hard for years, fuelled by the (not-so) motivational speaker in my head telling me to "Do more, be more, be better, stop doing so much of X, eat less, exercise more, work harder," and so on. Even writing this tip-of-the-iceberg dialogue is exhausting.

Since quitting alcohol, I've been trying to train this inner voice to be kinder, to speak to me in the same way I'd speak to a friend. Because when someone else is suffering, I’m filled with compassion and understanding. I'm not judgmental or cruel. I have softness in my heart and an appreciation for their human experience. I don't metaphorically beat them with a stick, dismiss their feelings, or tell them they shouldn't be having these emotions. So why do I do it to myself?

Here are my learnings, and I’m feeling kind enough to myself in this moment not to worry about them not being perfect.

Our natural and immediate emotional reaction against discomfort is fear. It’s a primal response and the root of the negativity biase we all have.  Whether it's fear of real danger (physical attack) or perceived danger (emotional attack), we automatically revert to fight, flight, or freeze.

This is our primal nature, it’s  reactive, and in my experience, manifests as tightness and tension in my body and mind. We're hard-wired to avoid discomfort, so we brace against it, either curling up and contracting ( freeze) or holding our fists up ready for a fight. Because of this, we don’t learn to feel or accept difficult emotions—they become something to be avoided at all costs.

When we’re not living consciously we automatically try to prevent ourselves from feeling these difficult emotions, seeking any means available to either avoid, escape or supress them.

For me, drinking was the oxygen mask. The perfect escape strategy.

Once the "danger" has passed, the "shoulds" and "should-nots" sweep in with shame, guilt, and disappointment, fuelled by the aftermath of the very thing I used to escape them.

We tend to judge ourselves for having these "unacceptable" feelings. This is known in Buddhist Psychology as The Second Arrow. We experience something difficult, and then we judge our intial reaction to it as being wrong or bad.  We know we ‘should ‘be kinder to ourselves, and we criticize ourselves for our lack of self-compassion. What a paradox.

When we resist, escape or avoid emotions, they don't go away—we absorb their energy. They bury deep within us, into our bodies, until we become a boiling pot of unexpressed, unexamined emotions and judgments that never get dealt with or freed. As we continue to resist uncomfortable emotions, they become so scary that we'll do almost anything to avoid them, hence why so many of us continue to drink.

Since quitting alcohol I believe that self-compassion is at the core of my long term success. Not only did it provide a solid foundation from which to initiate change, it has become my touchstone whenever I feel difficult emotions. From a place of self-kindness I can see all primitive reactivity as just part of human nature, nothing wrong or bad, which immediately short-circuits all desire to ‘make them go away’.  And strangely, and beautifully, without my resistance, they leave quickly and of their own accord.

.The Three Core Elements of Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristen Neff identifies three core elements of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness – We notice when we're being self-critical or experiencing a difficult emotion. Ideally, we should notice this not just in our minds but in our bodies, feeling the discomfort instead of analyzing it or trying to make it go away.
2. Self-Kindness – Using the words, tone, and intention of a good friend, we soothe ourselves with something like, "I notice you're feeling afraid, I'm so sorry you feel that way, you are safe, it’s OK"
3. Common Humanity – Acknowledge that these feelings are an unavoidable part of the human condition and that no matter who you are, everyone experiences these emotions at times. Normalise and accept they will come and go. This too shall pass.

What I've learned since I left alcohol behind is that being kind to myself is a constant work in progress. . I’m happy to say I've become more proficient at it because without alcohol, I can see clearly when I'm slipping into self-criticism. And I can make a clear distinction between the voice of self-indulgence and the voice of compassion.

The skill is to first notice whenever that mean voice starts to chatter away at you—it’s persistent and hard to ignore, but once you notice it, you have power. Ask yourself, would you speak to anyone else in this way? Would you try to motivate anyone else in this way? Then, bring in the voice of reason and kindness. Everyone has these feelings; everyone is struggling. You are not alone.

We will always struggle with difficult emotions at times—they are inevitable, and we can’t stop them, nor can we drink them away.

These three simple steps are the beginnings of a new, gentler, kinder way of being the friend you want to have on your side. And once you begin to spend more time with this inner friend, the less time you will spend fighting the inner battles you can never win.

Furthermore, as you learn to like and respect yourself, and all the parts of your being, including your emotions, the desire to avoid the experience of your life by drinking leaves, strangely and beautifully,  of its own accord.

Here’s to focusing on the best friendship for life you can ever have.

Love, Sarah