Mum, What's a Midlife Crisis?

“Mum, what’s a mid-life crisis?”

It was an unexpected question from my 16-year-old the other day. I thought about my own journey and replied, “It’s when people reach a point in their life when they have everything they think they wanted, or were told they should have, and then realize they are still not happy.”

“What do they do?” he asked.

“Well, some people buy a Ferrari, some have an affair, some leave their jobs, go to an ashram, or take up deep-sea diving... the list goes on. But to ‘qualify’ as a mid-life crisis, the general criteria is that it involves some extreme, often out-of-character behavior.”

He nodded sagely, then went back to TikTok for a better answer. 😊

 When we reach a crisis point, it’s common for us to search for something or someone new. It’s the next thing we think will make us happy. Sometimes we choose low-quality options, but after each crisis, if we grow and learn, we’re more likely to come to the realization that new places, possessions, and relying on other people only work short-term.

As a 51-year-old woman, I’d say I’ve had about 10, maybe more, mid-life crises. Times when the dissatisfaction with the reality of my life spurred me to make a drastic change. In my earlier years, I was more of a low-quality, quick-fix seeker, but as time has passed, I’ve realized that any kind of crisis is another reminder that what I’m looking for is never ‘out there.’ I see the crisis not as a breakdown, but as an opportunity for breakthrough, a pivotal moment that can lead to new insights and long-term positive change.

 This happened for me when I decided that stopping drinking would be a high-quality way of creating change in my life. I felt stuck, out of integrity, living a half-life, and I knew alcohol, which in the past had served to distract me from discomfort, had now become the distraction from what I truly wanted and believed was possible for me in my life.

 When we’re faced with any kind of crisis, we are given the opportunity to leverage a heightened sense of self-awareness if we are willing to look. We’re invited to pause and reflect on the choices we’ve made, the habits we’ve developed, and the path we’ve been going down.

 This can often highlight things that we’ve been avoiding and the areas of our life that no longer serve us—whether it's a toxic relationship, an unfulfilling job, or an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

 This self-reflection, while uncomfortable, forces us to confront the truths we’ve been avoiding. And for me, it provided a powerful incentive to take action toward meaningful change.

 The mistakes I’ve made in the past were in believing that external things and/or drastic changes in my behaviors or circumstances would lead to long-term shifts, but as Jon Kabat-Zinn says:

“Wherever you go, there you are.”

So eventually I decided to get happy with where I was.

Most of my clients are in mid-life, and their drinking, no matter the amount, has become the wake-up call to seek a change in their lives. There is a realization and acceptance that time is passing, and that the life they are living might not be aligned with the one they truly want.

They don’t have a stereotypical rock bottom, but they do have a calling for something more.

What I have learned from my journey is that removing a life-long crutch requires effort and deep soul-searching. Because when we’re drinking, reality is buffered by numbing and avoiding discomfort and amplifying positive experiences, temporarily and artificially.

The people who are most successful realize (like me, through trial and error) that removing alcohol, unlike buying a car or going to Paris, will not be a quick fix. It’s simply the gateway to a different, more compelling,  internally fulfilling, and aligned life.

So if you find yourself dissatisfied, my suggestion is that this can be a wonderful opportunity. Specifically, if you are questioning your relationship with alcohol. It could be the beginning of a life-long journey and a gateway into lasting, meaningful change for the next chapter of your life.

You may even see that mid-life morphs into a brand-new life where age is irrelevant, and possibility is endless.