Why Can't I Just Quit Drinking?

Why Quitting Alcohol Isn’t Just About Willpower – It’s Science

I learned a few things in the two weeks I spent in a rehab clinic. But what I didn’t learn was how I ended up there.  I was simply told that ‘people like me’ should avoid drinking, forever.  In the daily lessons this phrase ‘people like you’ was used by many of the facilitators.  I discovered, quite early on, that there was a divide, created by a policy for ‘people like them’ dictating that staff could not have any lived experience with substance use disorder.  My psychiatrist openly admitted to being a drinker, but he wasn’t ‘someone like me’ and he became quite unsettled when I questioned the policy.  It seemed ‘people like me’ were not deemed appropriate to support other ‘people like me’.

I’ve been coaching in this space now for over four years, and the number one thing my clients tell me they value most is that I am a ‘person like them’.

There were two key things missing for me in the rehab. The first, relatable educators, and the second, an in-depth understanding of how I had ended up there. I became somewhat obsessed about understanding how someone like me had become so trapped.

 The information I found on the science of addiction turned my shame into compassion, understanding, and long-term commitment to an alcohol-free life. 

 Here’s a brief overview, for people like me.

 We’ve all heard it before—"Just have more self-control." "If you wanted it badly enough, you’d stop." "It’s just a matter of saying no." But if quitting alcohol were that simple, so many people wouldn’t struggle with it.

 Furthermore, when we or our well-meaning partners and friends use the stick, it makes things so much worse. Why? Because we know we ‘should’ stop, but we can’t, and blame and shame only serve to increase our stress, and when we’re stressed, what do we want to do? Escape.

 The truth is dependence on alcohol isn’t a personal failure. It’s not about being weak or lacking willpower. It’s a complex interplay of biology, psychology, and environment. And once we understand that we can stop beating ourselves up, making excuses, leaning into ‘victimhood’ and start making real, lasting changes.

Here Are the Four Key Factors That Lead to Alcohol Dependence

There’s a reason why some people can casually drink, and others find themselves caught in a cycle of dependence. Science tells us that four primary factors contribute to this:

1. Genetics – Some people are more predisposed to addiction due to their family history. While there’s no single "alcoholic gene," certain genetic combinations handed down make us more sensitive to the effects of alcohol and at higher risk of becoming dependent. If the environment promotes, normalises, or even encourages drinking (which is usually the case for anyone with alcoholism in the family history) then there’s a much higher chance of dependence.

1. Psychological Influences and Neurodiversity – Early childhood experiences, trauma, or even growing up in a home where alcohol was used to manage stress can shape our relationship with drinking. Many of us learned early on that alcohol was a way to cope with discomfort. Those with ADHD are biologically more prone to the ‘uplifting’ effect of alcohol, making it more appealing and harder to quit.

1. Societal Conditioning – Alcohol is everywhere. It’s in movies, ads, celebrations, and even our workplaces. We’re bombarded with messages that seep into our unconscious mind, so we accept, through conditioning, that drinking is essential for fun, connection, and relaxation. When something is so normalized, quitting feels like swimming against the tide. It seems wrong and even impossible to be a non-drinker.

1. Lack of True Connection – This one might surprise you, but a big reason people turn to alcohol is a lack of deep, meaningful connection. When we don’t feel truly seen, heard, or safe, which can often manifest early in life, we look for substitutes—alcohol, food, social media, shopping—to fill the void.

 How Alcohol Hijacks Your Brain

 Your brain is wired to seek rewards—it’s a survival mechanism. Before alcohol existed, we got our "feel-good" dopamine hits from things like nourishing food, social bonding, and movement. But alcohol delivers an artificial surge of dopamine, far more than natural rewards.

At first, this feels amazing. But over time, your brain tries to adapt by reducing its natural dopamine production. That’s why the more you drink, the less pleasure you feel from everyday joys. And that’s also why stopping drinking can make you feel flat at first—your brain needs time to heal.

 The Cycle of Stress and Alcohol

 Many people drink to relieve stress, but here’s the reality—alcohol creates more stress in the long run. When you drink, your brain compensates by releasing anti-reward chemicals like cortisol and dynorphin (the opposite of endorphins). These chemicals increase anxiety, disrupt sleep, and create the very stress you were trying to escape.

Ever wake up at 3 AM with a racing heart and spiraling thoughts? That’s your body dealing with the aftermath of alcohol. It’s not just a hangover—it’s your brain chemistry trying to rebalance itself.

 The Power of Awareness and Change

 The good news? The brain is incredibly adaptable. Through neuroplasticity, we can rewire our habits, retrain our responses to stress, and break free from alcohol’s grip.

Here’s what helps:

• Curiosity Over Judgment – Instead of shaming yourself for wanting a drink, first remind yourself that this is not your weak personality at play, it’s chemical. Then ask: What’s this craving really about? Am I ‘HALT’ – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Am I stressed or simply bored? Being curious and becoming aware of the underlying emotion helps break the automatic drinking habit.
• Rewiring Rewards – To heal the brain and to promote natural dopamine release start seeking dopamine from natural sources again—exercise, music, nature, deep conversations, and creativity – see the free guide below for 20 ways to boost dopamine without alcohol.
• Connection Over Isolation – Healing happens in community. Whether it’s coaching, support groups, or a trusted friend, talking about your journey keeps you accountable and supported. Furthermore, when speaking to others on the same path, your self-judgement shifts as you realise more people than you ever imagined are struggling with the same things.
• Remembering the Truth About Alcohol – It doesn’t make you happier, calmer, or more confident. It just numbs discomfort temporarily, leaving you worse off in the long run.

 Your Future Without Alcohol

 Choosing an alcohol-free life isn’t about deprivation or giving something away —it’s about rediscovering the natural joy you once had. Over time, your brain heals, your mood stabilizes, and you start experiencing life as it was meant to be—without artificial highs and inevitable crashes.

 It wasn’t until I understood how alcohol works that I realised it wasn’t about being "strong enough" to quit. It’s about understanding how alcohol works and choosing to break the cycle—on your terms, with the right tools.

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking, I should know better. Why am I still struggling? —remind yourself: It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to change. And the best part? If I can, you absolutely can.

Love

Sarah