The Space Between - Reaction Or Response

I recently revisited one of the books that had a profound impact on my life. Written by a psychiatrist who spent time in Auschwitz during the Nazi regime, it’s an account of his experiences as a prisoner and the observations he made about how the human spirit can endure even the harshest of environments.

He writes about our innate ability to control our inner environment and the critical importance of connection with the people we love.

Viktor Frankl attributes his survival to two key things. He observed that those who could not access them would slowly succumb to the horrors that slowly destroyed their minds and bodies.

This morning, I woke as usual, plunged myself into icy water, got dressed, and started work. I needed quiet in the house to record some videos and found myself immediately frustrated.  The family woke up earlier than usual, making noise that left me with barely a minute of work completed.

This was swiftly followed by a screech from the kitchen—maggots were spilling from the bin (it’s warm over here in Brisbane). As I swept them up, my mind raged with thoughts of how unfair it was that I couldn’t get a moment of peace.

But then an image came into my mind. What if those maggots were in my food or my bed? What if the screech had been for something far worse?

One of Frankl’s most famous quotes is this: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we have the power to choose, and in that choice lies our growth and our freedom.”

I share this quote often because I believe it highlights the opportunity we all have to change our negative thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. In just one moment, we can shift our perspective, and in turn, our actions.

The buzzword for my experience today was “triggered.” I was triggered to react, to automatically revert to the easiest and most comfortable course of action—allowing anger to fuel my behavior and negatively affect my own feelings and those of others.

But one thought—the thought of how much worse it could have been and how much worse others have endured—flipped the narrative, and I was called into gratitude.

It’s important to note that I wasn’t judging myself for my initial reaction. After all, I’m human, and we all get angry and frustrated over the smallest things at times. However, I’ve continued to work on this kind of reprogramming consistently since the time I quit drinking. Why? Because when you quit drinking, you have to learn to tolerate a lot of uncomfortable space.

Whenever we’re triggered, there is always a space between the stimulus and our response.

When I was a drinker and unaware of what I was doing, that space was very small. I would feel like having a drink, and seconds later, it would be in my hand. When I first quit, I would feel the urge to drink, and I would look for the space. I needed to learn to tolerate a long space—battling with myself, negotiating, and eventually coming out the other side having conquered the pain of not drinking.

The more times I practiced being in the space and dealing with the cravings and urges, the easier it became. Now, I can honestly say that when I’m triggered, the thought of a drink never crosses my mind—not because I’m better than anyone else or have more willpower, but simply because I have practiced doing more productive things in that space for quite some time.

At the top of this post is a visual for how the trigger process works:

We can react and choose the instant gratification of a drink, or we can step into the pause.

In the pause, try these five steps:

1. Notice the space and lean into it by taking three long, deep breaths.
2. Think about how you will feel afterward if you “react” (consider the long-term consequences).
3. Ask yourself what it is you really want? To Relax, relieve stress or reward yourself
4. Do something different ( you can download 65 things to do instead below)
5. Tell yourself how amazing you are for choosing your response instead of defaulting to autopilot & reactivity (reward yourself).  

The more frequently you practice this the easier it gets. The pauses become opportunities to experiment, learn, and grow. 

In line with Frankl’s observations, the most powerful tool for maintaining your ability to hold yourself in the space is connection with others.

Next time you find yourself triggered, try thinking of or reaching out to someone you love. You’ll stop focusing on your discomfort, and in a few short moments, you’ll fill that space with something—or someone—who truly matters to you. It will also distract you from focusing on cravings.

Remember, it’s the space between stimulus (trigger) and response—and our ability to pause and decide the best course of action for ourselves—that leads to our growth and our freedom.

Love

Sarah

x

Download the 65 Things To Do Instead of Drinking HERE

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